Develop Your Child’s Emotional Intelligence

By Jane Adams

Steven, aged four, watched as his friend tried to put on his shoes and became increasingly frustrated by his lack of success. “Just keep trying,” said Steven, “and then you will be able to do it.” In this short exchange Steven demonstrated a skill, which is an indicator of emotional intelligence – perseverance.

The term emotional intelligence came into common usage following the success in the 1990s of Daniel Goleman’s book, Emotional Intelligence; why it can matter more than IQ. Goleman pointed out that ‘success’ in life depends not only on our IQ as measured by our literacy and numeracy skills but, more importantly, on how well we know our own emotional make-up, manage our emotional responses and react to the emotional responses of others.

Now more than ever, our children need to be emotionally competent. The world they are growing up in is characterised by rapid change and our lives are being lived at an ever-increasing pace. The good news is that emotional intelligence can be learnt, in the same way as we learn how to read and write.

Developing emotional skills helps children understand the wisdom of making good choices and resisting the pressures of instant gratification. After all, success in life comes from persevering, plugging away at something until you can do it, whether it’s playing a musical instrument, becoming a great footballer or building strong relationships and knowing how to pick yourself up when faced with a setback.

The best time for children to learn these skills is in their early years although it is never too late to start. Here are five easy ways you can help your child become emotionally competent:

1. Teach the vocabulary of emotions
If we lack the words to express how we feel we will not be able to tell others, let alone process those feelings internally. Show acceptance of a child’s feelings and use feeling words yourself so they become a part of everyday life. Introduce new words to extend the child’s vocabulary; for example happy might also be excited, cheerful or smiley.

2. Develop Respect
A child who has self-respect will learn to respect others, make good choices for themselves and will have a greater personal strength when the pressures of teen years hit. They may not always make the right decision, but they will know why it wasn’t right. Use everyday situations and stories as a talking point and ask children questions such as: “Do you think what he or she did was right? Why was that a poor decision? What could you do to make things right if you made a poor decision?” Research indicates that boys value the opportunity to talk with older males, particularly fathers, about their thoughts and feelings, so suggest that dad, granddad or maybe an uncle can be involved in an activity like this at home.

3. Foster Resilience
When a child takes his first steps he falls, picks himself up and tries again. Teach children that life is like that; we set out to do something new and suffer setbacks. Resilience is the ability to dust ourselves off when we fail and start again.

Watch your toddlers at play, for example building a tower of wooden blocks. Encourage them to start again when it falls over, and celebrate when the tower is built!

4. Encourage Impulse control
In the 1960s Walter Mischel carried out an experiment with four year olds at a nursery school in America. He offered each child a marshmallow, and told them if they waited a few minutes without eating it, he would give them another one. When he looked at those same children as teenagers he discovered that those who had delayed their impulse to eat the marshmallow as a four year old were, at 16, more self assertive, more personally effective, better able to cope with life’s frustrations and more socially competent. This ability to postpone gratification is essential to academic, emotional and social success. Encourage children to wait occasionally for something they say they want instead of giving it to them instantly; things we have to work and wait for over a period of time are the things we really value.

5. Manage emotions
Show acceptance of a child’s feelings and explain that it’s OK to have emotions, even anger and frustration. Use reflective listening and say “you’re angry, because you feel the others are picking on you,” this reassures a child that their feelings are acknowledged. Instead of saying “that doesn’t really hurt,” or “you shouldn’t be angry,” tell a child that you can see how they are feeling and that we are all entitled to have these feelings. Discuss ways of dispelling anger and soothing frustration without resorting to hurting someone else, and explain that holding on to negative emotions can build up inside until eventually we explode – a bit like a volcano.

Major changes can begin with very small steps such as these, and what children learn in their formative years will stay with them through life. You hold within your hands the opportunity to raise your child’s emotional intelligence and give them the tools to use as they grow into the challenging years of adolescence.

Jane Adams has written books on emotional literacy for use in schools and has also produced a photocopied activity booklet (priced £5.00), for children who are moving home to help them work through their emotions about leaving friends and familiar surroundings. For more information, or to purchase a copy of the booklet contact janefadams@hotmail.com.