| Cutting the Ties |
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Kim Kimber explores the reasons behind parental anxiety when it comes
to starting nursery and looks at what steps can be taken to make sure
that these changes happen as easily and naturally as possible for you
and your child. Starting nursery is an important transitional phase in your child’s life and it can be difficult for both of you when the time comes to be separated from one another for the first time. Sarah Jones, practising psychotherapist and counsellor, says: “Starting nursery, like any transitional period, symbolises change and fear of the unknown. “The carer, usually the mother but not always, can become anxious about severing this unique bond with her child and has difficulty in dealing with the realisation that they are coming to the end of a particular stage in their relationship. “Whilst it is only natural for a mother to have concerns it is important that she does not pass on these worries to her child. It is best to try and embrace this change in a positive way and concentrate on the excitement of beginning a new era rather than dwelling on the negative side of the impending separation. Once you associate the event with negative feelings then this can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.” According to ParentLine, it is understandable that parents experience concern over transitional phases in their child’s life such as starting nursery because you are handing over your child to a strange ‘someone’ who will be responsible for your child. The keyworker or childcare worker will become an important person in your child’s life and will share a role that you alone have held since his or her birth. “If you are experiencing difficulty over the separation,” says Sarah Jones, “the important thing is to recognise it and to acknowledge the fact that you don’t want to let go. A part of forming healthy attachments is in learning that although a loved one may leave you for a time, they do come back and it is important to pass this message on to the child. “It is always best to think ahead of time if you can. Realise that it may be difficult to let go but make sure that you have something to look forward to when the time comes and have something positive to do to fill the void. Start a new hobby, meet with friends, voluntary work, anything to stop you from focussing too greatly on the separation.” Vicki Curtis, 32, has a two year old son, Jimmy, who will be starting nursery school in January 2009 and is expecting her second child at the end of August. Vicki says: “Jimmy could have started nursery in September but my husband and I didn’t want him to feel pushed out by the new baby and have delayed his start date until January. Hopefully by then Jimmy will be used to his new brother or sister and I will be able to enjoy time with the baby without feeling guilty.” “Jimmy is quite a shy child and we feel that it is important for him to go to nursery so that he can develop social skills and build up his self confidence prior to starting school. Initially, he will only do four mornings and hopefully this will become a time that he looks forward to and enjoys. “The only reservation I have is that he will be happy and well cared for and I worry about practical things like him needing the toilet and the staff having the time to help him.” Vicki based her choice of nursery on word of mouth and has elected to send Jimmy to the same nursery as his cousin so that there will be a familiar face to reassure him when he begins in January. It is obviously important that both parent and child feel comfortable abut the nursery they have chosen and Jennifer Kelly, Deputy Manager at Lilliput Village Children’s Village Nursery in Basildon recommends that parents look at a number of places before making up their mind about a nursery and to talk to the staff to allay any fears they might have. “I believe it is best to go with your gut feeling,” she says, “if it feels right for your child, it probably is. Parents should watch to see if staff are interacting with the children and look at the facilities available such as a garden to play in, equipment, room sizes etc. “When viewing prospective nurseries, parents should also ask abut the ratio of carers to children as government guidelines stipulate a minimum of one childcare worker to three children for under two year olds, one childcare worker to four children for two to three year olds and one childcare worker to eight children for those aged three to five years.” Jennifer says: “In my experience, most children do settle down quickly but some find it a lot harder than others, particularly those who have not mixed with children very much before. We always warn parents to be prepared for the fact that their child might be upset and may need lots of comfort and reassurance. “Some children may just need more time to adjust and if this is the case, we recommend that the parent stays with their child initially and then leaves the child at the nursery for a short time to begin with, increasing the amount of time gradually. Parentline suggests that parents try to minimise other changes in a child’s life during the time when they will be starting nursery. It is not a good time to change bedtimes, regular carers or alter other familiar routines. Jennifer says: “To ease the transition at Lilliput we offer free one hour settling in sessions for the parent to attend with their child. These sessions give the parent a chance to get to know the keyworkers who will be responsible for their child’s welfare and to pass on important information about their child’s likes and dislikes, feeding patterns and preferences. We also ask that the child brings in a comforter from home such as a blanket or favourite toy.” “Some children do need more time and it is advisable to take it slowly and not force them before they are ready. I work specifically with two year olds and it can be a difficult age as they are beginning to grow up but are still only babies. They may be trying to cope with the arrival of a new sibling, toilet training, personality changes and some might still be cutting teeth and these things need to be taken into account. “In the event that a child is really not ready and continues to have difficulty in settling then we would advise leaving them for a couple of months and trying again when they are a bit older.” Jennifer adds: “It is important that the parent feels happy about the transition to nursery as well as the child. We always encourage anxious parents to phone in and check on their child rather than sitting at home or work and worrying.” Most children and parents do adjust to these changes but when coping with separation is a problem for the carer and their actions cease to be in the best interests of the child it is time to seek help. Sarah Jones says: “If the child has made the adjustment and the mother or carer is finding separation too difficult they should seek support from friends and family but it if continues to be a problem or is affecting the child they should consider talking to their GP or a qualified counsellor.” Further Information: Sarah Jones BSc Hons, MA, Post Dip Psychologist Email: xaymaca.jones@talktalk.net Lilliput Village Children’s Nursery Burnt Mills Road, Basildon Essex SS13 1EA. Tel: 01268 725694 ParentLine Tel: 0808 800 2222 Website: www.parentlineplus.org.uk |